When it rains, it pours

Well, this hasn't been what I'd like to call a good month for us. Casey's grandma passed away from a stroke, I lost my job, and then we found out at our first doctor appointment that our baby doesn't have a heart beat. So, Thursday I had a D&C surgery done. You never think it's going to happen to you and then it does. And you ask yourself, "Why...why me?" It has been really hard on us. I remember being so excited and looking at the monitor seeing our little one and looking at Casey just smiling. The doctor said, "Everything looks normal, it looks about 8 weeks 4 days..." Then their was that long, awkward silence and then I see the doctor and the nurse both shaking their heads. That's not a good sign. Then those words came out of his mouth, "I'm not finding a heartbeat..." Tears began to flood my eyes. I was in shock...and in denial. I didn't want to believe him. I just sat there in silence and looked over at Casey and he was teary eyed. I just kept thinking, "No, no, no...please no!" I couldn't breathe. He told us that we could go to Emergency Ultrasound. So, we headed over there and had to get signed in and sit at a desk for what seemed like forever giving some girl all of this information to put in her computer. I just sat there spacing out and praying in my mind over and over pleading, "Please bless this baby that it will have a heart beat and that it will be healthy!" Casey and I sat there holding hands, and I looked over at him and said..."What if?..." He kept reassuring me that everything is going to be fine. And I kept saying, "Ya, but what if it really doesn't!" I was so scared. Finally, we were able to go in. The machine was so high tech, that you could hear the blood flowing. You could see everything. I knew that it wouldn't lie...The lady made us wait longer by first checking everything else to see if it was normal before getting to the baby. I just wanted to know now! The suspense was seriously killing me. And then there it was...nothing. She looked at me and said, "I'm sorry" and walked out. I immediately put my hands to my face and started bawling. Casey came over to me and held me and cried with me. We just sat there in that empty dark room, alone, holding each other sobbing. It was pretty much the saddest day of my life. I went to the bathroom to get dressed and to get cleaned up and I just held my tummy and said, "I'm sorry, I love you". I came out and Casey told me, "It's okay, I love you, you did nothing wrong and we can always try again. I love you so much!" and he lost it. There was something so powerful about that moment. A bond stronger than words can ever explain. We grew closer that day. When we got home, I felt lifeless. Empty. Heartbroken. That all of my dreams were shattered. The excitement was gone. And fear sunk in. I made the round of phone calls while Casey worked on the car. He has to do something to keep his mind off things or else it's that much harder. It was really depressing making those calls. There were a lot of excited people that I felt like I had let down. Being the oldest, my parents would have been first time grandparents. They were devastated, my brothers and sister were crushed. I found some comfort talking to my mother and sister in laws because they had all been thru it. They gave me hope and let me know that it's okay and we can try again! I was bitter at first, because I had been so sick for those two months and it was all for nothing. But I have to tell myself, it was an experience! What has been one of the hardest parts is to go to church and see all of these girls around my age that are either pregnant or have a baby. Or my sister in laws, they have these beautiful babies and whenever I see them or hold them, I just loose it. I can't help to think something is wrong with me. I just want to be a mommy so bad! I know that it's just once and it doesn't necessarily mean that I can't get pregnant again. It's just hard. One night, Casey placed his head on my tummy and began to cry. He kissed it and rubbed it and looked at me and said, "That's still our baby in there." *Sigh* I honestly have the most amazing husband! I love him so much and I am so grateful for him and that he has been there for me thru all of this. He has been my strength. I am so thankful for the priesthood and for the beautiful blessings he has been able to give me. He is my best friend and to share this experience together has made us SO strong! I feel like we can accomplish anything side by side. I look forward to when we can try again and when we can be parents. Sorry this post is so long, I am redoing it because at the time it was so hard to talk about it and I am finally able to tell the story. It's still hard, I'm crying like a baby! But I wanted to share and for those who have been thru this before it's not easy...but life goes on and it's not the end!